Thursday, January 7, 2010

My crazy life....

Just when things begin to stablize with Maggie of course it has to be my turn. I've had to deal with hypothyroidism for at least 6yrs now. I believe I've had it all of my life. But that's another story.
I guess when one medical journey ends with one family member another one starts with someone else, and that's me. I mean why not? I'm only responsible for caring for four children, and schooling them , and taking them to activities which we all love to do.

My problem is that I have a few cysts on my thyroid and trust me I'm not happy to hear that. Not at all. I believe whole heartedly that its because my thyroid has not been managed very well by my doctors, and at times it makes me angry to think about it. I'm just praying that I won't have to have surgery but then I guess what are they going to do to deal with the cysts? I'll admit my 3yr old is a much braver person than I am. She has had 5 surgeries so far in her first 3yrs of life and numerous procedures that I've lost count on. Yet she bounces back like a ball. Me on the other hand I am a wimp. Or at least over the years I've become one. I think with a combination of having surgeries myself, the older I get the harder it is to recover, and the fact I have dealt with so many doctors and seen so much with Maggie I think that I've just about had enough with it all.

I know my friends have extended their concern but I think the worse piece of 'caring' I've gotten was when a friend of mine said to me " God is doing this because he wants you to slow down." I don't think so. Why would God cause me to have something wrong with me to make me slow down? Why would he want me to slow down? He blessed me with the responsibilty of four beautiful little girls. How can you slow down? Isn't that what happens when the kids grow up and leave the nest? Then you can slow down a little? God certainly doesn't need to make me ill to tell me to slow down that's for sure. He could tell me in other ways if He really wanted me to. I believe that Satan has his hand in it and truely and honestly I want him gone, out of here and to leave me the heck alone. We've been through enough and I just feel like I'm at my wits end. I just want some happiness for a little while. A break. Maggie is finally 'stable' at the moment and now I have to deal with myself? Come on.

I am even just about half way done with my college work too. I have always wanted to finish college and get my degree. I tried twice after getting married. In the beginning I was having some marriage issues so I dropped out.Then surely enough the next attempt I ended up pregnant with Marilyn and very sick and couldn't even concentrate so I dropped out again. Waited for a long time and here I am finally doing something with my life so I can make it much better and Wham! Really I am learning to hate the saying " God doesn't give you what you can't handle." I think that is a load of bull. He has given me way more then a normal person's share of hard times. My life has been nothing but hard since my childhood and beyond.

I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, but how much can one person take?
I guess all I can do is keep my chin up and pray for the best. Hoping and praying that I can continue to homeschool my children and that its nothing major.


Anonymous said...

I just found your blog from the WTM message boards. I am sorry for everything you are going through. My almost three and a half month old son was born with VACTERL Association also. In addition my step children that I have raised have autism and my step son had epilepsy also. I do not believe that God does these things to people. Sin is in the world, but I do believe God can turn situations around and use them for his good. I too have felt at times that God has given me too much to handle. But then I remember all the things I have to be grateful for and how much God has blessed my life. I have been so blessed! I see your beautiful children and so have you. The devil attacks the people God has great plans for. God must have a great purpose for you and your family for the devil to be attacking you so much. I will pray for you and your family.

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